A Short Reflection & Saying Goodbye

Sometimes Super-Girl's Week 1

To start off this series of personal musings and events, I begin on the 6th dy of October, 2015. This past week I have been very sick with a cold, lost a friend to suicide, and am slowly succumbing to the heavy work load of university assignments. It seems a shame to start on such a sad note, but I feel to really understand my reasons for starting this blog

I want to start with my friend, Troy.

He was a brilliant man, a caring father, and the most supportive and kind person I have ever met. On reflection now, I see a lot of my own qualities in him. 

We met in an Arts class at the start of this year where by chance, the four students, including him and myself were put into a group project together as we happened to all be absent on the day of group allocation.

He had some issues and arguments with the other girl in our group, Hannah, whom he once taught at Sunday school.
They were constantly at each other's throats and made it quite awkward for Jonathan and I when it came to holding group meetings. We tried to compromise and held separate meetings with each of them, when Hannah was never available to join us anyway, we made it through. With only a small explosive fight over facebook between Troy and Hannah, and then right before the presentation for a big blow out.

We held a video conference one night which was filled with many laughs and is now a treasured memory for Jonathan and I, as we remember our short time with Troy.

Troy counselled me one day at the university library whilst we worked on an assignement together as my grandfather has been quite sickly for many years now and I must live with him and take care of him. As he discussed the anticipatory grief that I was experiencing, he provided great comfort and let me know that I could always talk to him. He was a selfless person and always had a kind word to say.

We hit an issue when one day I had the feeling that Troy was seeking something beyond friendship, and to understand my reaction, I should mention why acted so. There is a local trolley man, about 45 years old that I would talk to politely when working in a shop at the small shopping centre. He passed multiple times a day and would often hold me up with talk of how many people he had knocked out and how good he was at various things. This man, whom I shall refer to as Ron, had no concept of personal space, or polite conversation. One day over facebook, he began to say some things that made me uncomfortable and he took advantage of my kindness, and as a result I was angry, I cut off communication with him and avoided him at all costs. He would talk to my partner and I in the shopping centre for at least 40 mins about himself and my partner and I always showed polite interest. I felt it a huge disrespect to both myself and my partner that he would attempt to 'crack on' to me in this way. I became easily annoyed at people whom I perceived to have underlying intentions and thus, when dear Troy mentioned the slightest thing that made me uncomfortable, I shut it down and withdrew.
Because of this, I wasn't there for him, and I didn't understand just how long he had been dealing with depression so severely for the last 10 years. We spoke at length of anxiety and depression in the library that day, I confided in my battle with them, as did he, but he spent most of the time listening to me about my grandfather and struggles with my workload; and didn't tell me just how lonely and disconnected he felt. On the outside, he wore a mask with a smile and a cheery disposition, but underneath, he was pained, undergoing family struggles, had difficulty seeing his kids in another city, and was in need of more support than I gave, or even knew that he needed.

I remember that day with a heavy heart, thinking of the things I could have done differently. Had I invited him to celebrate the end of semester, would we have become closer, would I have supported him more, could I have been a better friend. the answer is yes. I blame myself for his death.
People tell me it wasn't my fault, that he made a decision that he thought was the only one. But no matter how much they try to comfort me, I know I could have helped. If not prevented it from happening, I could have give him a friend for a little while longer on this Earth.
I can't un-do what he did, or what I did, but every day I miss him and wish I could have not reacted the way I did to something so stupid. I partly blame this trolley man, I blame myself and, though I'm not a religious person, I pray for him and to him all the time. I send silent prayers for him, to help me come to terms with it, to give strength to his family, his kids and I try to be a friend to more people and look for the signs that someone needs help.

It is important for me to write these things down, to properly deal with the grief and to acknowledge how important this person is to me. Though I only knew him for a short year, he has had the greatest impact on my life and I am a better person for knowing him.

The lesson I take from this terrible tragedy is that we need to appreciate life as much as possible, we need to be kinder to others, and to look out for those in need. I will always try to help people, to recognise the signs and to live my life in a way that Troy did, making people smile and laugh, and lending them an ear or hand when they needed it.

Rest in peace. I miss you, buddy. 

Carpe Diem: A Recount Of Saturday Night

Hitting on a new note, I feel it necessary to document the main events of Saturday night before the hangover fries my brain completely.
So..a friend from anthropology class had been keen to go out for some drinks for months and last Saturday, we finally did to celebrate the end of exams. I was not anticipating such a rollercoaster of a night, and I regret nothing.

So we started off at..let's call it the watermelon; where my first love and ex boyfriend works every other weekend. I must dawdle on this for a moment to mention that even though I am still in love with him, I can not love him. That makes absolutely no sense, but what I mean is that I am still deeply in love with this idea of how we were supposed to be, the connection we once shared for each other that still lingers in electricity and butterflies in my stomach. Needless to say, let's call him Jake, has made it clear that he is not completely moved on either. He has however made, and continues to make some questionable, dangerous, and plain idiotic decision, but that is his bed to lie on. I will skip past some rather touchy information, but his situation is more complicated than mine. Will just stop that line right there.
If it is not yet clear, he is not very appealing any more as a person since we split up, he went to the dark side, and yet, I can't help but look for hope within him and be startled by the twinkle in his eye when he gives me that same look that made me fall in love with him when we were both vulnerable and innocent kids,

Moving on...
So he was not working that night, which is why we began our night drinking at the watermelon, where i could be sure not to run into him. Okay that was a lie. He came up with a group of friends celebrating a birthday. After a while of pretending not to notice each other, quite pitifully, he snuck up on my friend and I. He snatched my gaze straight away as I awkwardly introduced him to my friend, let's call him Ben, They shook each others hand roughly, and Ben later informed me that he did not make eye contact with him once. He does this as a way to assert his dominance, which is something he has always done.It is also worth mentioning that he is a very tall and solid guy, which is partly why he is the head of security, and can be very intimidating,
Ben tried to break the tension by getting some leftover Christmas crackers from a passing waitress and handed them to each of us. James threw his over the balcony. Ben read us the corny jokes and put on his Christmas hat, which he kept on, and eventually wore as a neck scarf the entire night,
So Jake gives me his number so that we may get into the good nightclub for free later, gives me that bewitching look, then taps my bum as he leaves. Awkward.

Ben and I decided to take some unflattering funny photos of ourselves and send them to Rachel, whom decided not to come out as she was tired from just finishing a shift at work. We though it would be funny to send her a story..about a naked butterfly with some creative imagery. I shall post the messages as sent to her at the end of this entry*.

By 12 am, the watermelon was due to close so we moved on to "The Spirited Goat" where we ventured upstairs and found another friend of mine, let's call him Scott. So Scott and I have a small back story that goes like this. I was a very impressionable, shy and desperate overweight girl up until two years ago when I lost 45 kilos, and I didn't value myself enough. I developed a crush on many boys that I didn't realise were interested in using girls like myself. Scott was no exception, although I thought he was. We met up at an amateur band competition one night  in high school and hung around the campus and even kissed. I was acquainted with his brother James from a mixed martial arts class we both attended and this interaction with his brother did not help develop our friendship with an awkward interruption from him on this night. The brothers don't speak, because apparently they have nothing in common. James is one of the friendliest guys I have ever met, so I find this hard to believe but anyway..
So this was our first and only intimate encounter. We saw each other for the first time last month when he was working at a cafe, and that's when we got back into contact. I new he was at this club and that he would most likely join us but I hadn't anticipated the immense jealousy that would follow us. He was always very flirty since our meeting in the clubs the previous weekend but I didn't think anything would come of it.

We decided to go to another bar which we shall call "O'Malley's",
We went to the beer garden out back where we met a couple, clearly drunk, and about 35 years old and were possibly part of a group celebrating a hens night. Scott, being the complete gentleman that he is, suddenly interrupts my conversation with the woman and encourages us to kiss. I will mention that ever since the watermelon, I was feeling well and truly drunk. So yes, before I can do anything, this lady brings me in for a conservative kiss on the lips. First kiss of the night, and from a woman, quite enjoyed the thrill but it was perhaps time to slow down on the drinks. Perhaps I should have actually taken this advice haha.
So the hens night goes on, with a giant blow up penis, and Scott requests a photo. He is not currently speaking to me, but as requested, I have sent him these photos.
Scott was repeatedly grabbing me and pulling me close to him at this point as my motor skills continued to decline and I thought to myself, well, girl, you said you wanted to enjoy life from now on, so do it. I went with the flow that night and I recall the memories happily.
So Scott decided at this point to tell me that he 'knew what I was doing', as Ben excused himself to chat with a friend a few feet away. He continued to tell me that I was trying to make him jealous, to which I laughed and asked how I was doing this. Apparently Ben was receiving too much attention, though I found this quite unbelievable considering Scott had been demanding my attention for the past hour. Ben and I were just friends, but ever since I joined the anthropology class we did have some chemistry, I will admit.


Ben

Another side-trip I will interject to tell of my first meeting with Ben. I joined a class two weeks late due to scheduling conflicts with a previous one, and joined my friend Rachel in anthropology which she said was quite good. I argue this to be the case due to the attractive Canadian lecturer, but Rachel had also told me about a cute guy in the class to which she and her friend wanted to befriend. I came into the first lecture, sat down with them and asked so where is this Benny boy that I have heard so much about? Their faces turned bright red as their mouths gaped open and they pointed frantically at the guy sitting in front of me and one seat to the right. They gave me silent 'shushing' gestures, as I noticed Ben's head turn slightly. Still not clear if he heard me, but he has been gracious enough not to mention it! We didn't speak after this class as I was slightly distracted by a girl across the room giving me the evil eye. Let's call her Samantha. She reminded me physically of myself, quite similar, brown hair, brown eyes, similar style of clothing choice, but with side-ways glances filled with an odd tension.
I promise that I am not trying to add any flair, or drama to this segment, this is just how it happened.

After the lecture, we proceeded to go to the tutorial class, in which I kept mostly quiet, but caught glimpses and little smiles from across the room. Until I looked one seat to the right to which I received mean, smug looks from Samantha. I remember thinking, whoa, maybe they're together or something? She's just being protective. But before class started, I remember giggling with Rachel about Samantha asking Ben if he had facebook. We only laughed because from behind the wall, we thought it was our other friend Jessica asking him. Which, when she returned from getting water, we discovered it was not.
So they musn't have been dating, but she clearly had an issue with me from the first stupid thing I said in the lecture.

After class I said goodbye to Rachel and Jessica and headed towards the library car park, and Ben was about ten feet ahead of me. I remember wondering if we would get to speak one day, when suddenly, he DROPPED HIS PEN. hahaha I stopped for a split second to think wow, how cliche!
I swear this is precisely what happened. I caught up in a few strides and he was awaiting me with his big brown eyes before quickly saying' Hey! I'm Ben.'
We walked together to the same car lot talking like old friends and laughing together, it was so odd the instant comfortability that we had. This became a ritual to which we followed each Monday after three hours of class together. Rachel could hardly believe the first encounter which I messaged her about immediately after I got into the privacy of my car.
I couldn't get over that damn pen drop!

Saturday night I finally felt it appropriate/or finally felt drunk enough to ask him about our first meeting.He claimed he couldn't remember if he did it on purpose or not, but that he probably did. Whether it was intentional or not, I'm quite glad I have this memory that seems like something from a modern-day romance novel.


Now where was I...
So Scott continued to voice his jealousy and I assured him, well you know as far as I know, we are just friends right now. As was the case with Scott, so...
We then decided to go somewhere else, a loud dance club called The Bull, but before going in, Scott found a few friends to chat with so Ben and I sat on a wooden rail and began talking enthusiastically about various things and sending rachel more odd messaged through facebook. We then thought it a great idea to take photos. Ben took more unflattering photos and then some nice ones of us smiling and laughing, biting my head, a close up of his eye, then one of me pretending to kiss him on the cheek. As he was taking this one, he quickly turned his head and stole kiss! I couldn't believe it.
Another cliche move!!
We howled with laughter in our drunken state before the bubble was popped by Scott who approached and said he was thinking of leaving now.
I'm not sure if he saw this exchange or not, but I really didn't want to encourage him by acting as though I had cheated on him! Gosh.
So I asked how he is getting home, to which he said he would walk. Then asked if I would walk him to the end of the street. It seemed rude to say no so I agreed. He then said 'alone'..to which I found quite rude but Ben was feeling light headed and agreed to babysit my phone and take more pictures.. including some slightly stalkerish ones of us walking away. haha
So we walk up and he directs me off towards a car park, assuming he was taking the quick path across the bridge nearby. As we walk he talked about our time at the amateur band competition four years ago, and how he always had a crush on me. I wasn't buying it, but I listened to what he was saying. He complimented how much I have changed myself physically and how I now carry myself, and I couldn't help but venture to think of how he seems more interested now than he ever had before and if my transformation had anything, or everything to do with it. I had no verbal filter so I said what I was thinking, and he of course denied it, but there was something off. He then made pulled me to him against a palm tree and kissed me. This is when my head started spinning, and I said I have to go back, Ben was waiting and had my phone.
This situation is beginning to sound like the start of a more sinister story, but it wasn't. He then said he'd come back for a little while longer. And I didn't argue, but I did think that he was putting on this whole charade of leaving only to get me alone. I wasn't interested in being claimed so I remained indifferent and we continued back to see a confused Ben drinking free water. He ignored the fact that Scott had returned but was polite enough not to mention it. We then continued in to the Bull club which was, as anticipated very loud and the floor very slippery from people unable to stop themselves from throwing drinks.
We got water here, I could not handle any more alcohol just yet for the fear of blacking out. I have never been so drunk while out before, and was surprised that I didn't pass out or get sick. I felt dangerously close though but the party must go on!

We danced in this club, Scott kept grabbing me possessively and Ben did his own crazy moves on the dance floor,inviting different girls to dance. I have to admit, i felt the SLIGHTEST sting of jealousy, but I just tried to escape Scott's grip and dance on my own. Had a great time in here briefely before I get a message from Jake asking us to come to the Bank club where he also works. As it was expensive to get in, I declined and he offered to get my friends and I in for free. After nearly slipping on the sticky floor and the DJ playing such terrible music and my ears ringing, I decided to take him up on his offer. We ventured off to find the club. When we got there we waited outside for him to come for us. Scott then asked why I wasn't wanting to kiss him in front of Ben, to which I told him I didn't want to kiss anyone, I just wanted to go dance and have a good night, Ben continued to converse with some random girls off to the side while this exchange took place. Scott then said he might go home and asked if I'd walk him,. I politely told him I couldn't and had to wait for Jake to come and get us in, to which he started to walk away. I grabbed his arm and brought him in for a big cuddle. I liked Scott, but I have had too many controlling and possessive men control my life and have never had the chance to just enjoy myself. I was determined to do that tonight.

The random girls left, Scott left, and only Ben and I remained. He then confided about how weird he thought Scott was acting and was happy to restart the party and enjoy the rest of the night. Then Jake came out of the club.
He stumbled out of the club, a button undone halfway down his shirt, as he lead us through security. We felt like little V.I.P's haha.
A familiar face belonging to a friend of Jake's served us and we even got drink on the house.

Jake and I stood close together at the bar, while Ben took in the atmosphere and mingled with people. Jake was always so guarded; I could see it in his eyes and body language as he leaned in to try and speak over the music. The proximity was maddening as I gingerly did up his loose button. His security friends noticed this and made little remarks and chortles, but we didn't mind. He maintains his image of a tough guy, doesn't care about anything or anyone, but I know that mask well, just as I knew how vulnerable the man behind that mask is. I catch glimpses of his unguarded expressions whenever I touch him, we startle each other with this and are guilty of bringing out such vulnerability in each other. His button soon became undone again, and I once again did it back up for him, catching his eye once again. He pulled me close in the middle of all the chaos and I found myself lost in his familiar smell and the feel of his arms around me. I can feel such love from his touch and see it reflected in his eyes when we are together, He then shocked me by leaning down and kissing me softly. I kissed him back first softly, and felt it grow from the years of dreams, the memories, the pain and the yearning; all came pouring out at once into this intimate kiss.
I just wish that such a thing could work. I know it couldn't. He is too wild on his own, and it clashes with the closeness and people that we are when we're together. I couldn't go through the pain of losing him again, but I am so in love with the fantasy of what could have been, what could still be and what could never be.

We put our drinks behind the bar and went out for a celebratory cigarette and took this opportunity to talk a little. We were constantly interrupted by friends of his or his colleagues but we always were dragged back into an intimate little bubble between each.
To be truthful, he also knows how to completely destroy this bubble when his guarded walls come busting back up. This, my friends, is the man that breaks my heart.
I know what you must be thinking, this girl, is a blind fool, is making stupid decisions and is being an all round (various hurtful name). You must understand, that this is one night, one wild irregular night for me, and nothing of the sorts has ever happened before, so bear with me, and just revel in the good, the terrible, and the irresponsible nature of the story.

Before he put his walls back up, I caressed a tattoo reading his Auntie's name, whom passed away suddenly when we were together. It was a tragic time of his life to which I clung to his side during, and was a time I really got to support him completely. It is a time that reminds us of the great closeness that we once had and the love that was undeniable. As I touched the beautifully scripted name, he stiffened and a tortured look came through his eyes. I could have sworn I saw the glint of a tear as I looked up at him and reached for his hand. He first looked at me, a million memories flashing before his eyes as he retracted his hand, wiped his face, and shattered our little bubble with his defence mechanism.

As dumb as it sounds, it is these small moments that he gives me, the touches, the kisses, the unguarded expressions of emotion that keep reeling me back in. Even in contrast to the person he pretends to be, I think he has fooled himself into believing the façade he has worn over the last four years,

Ben occasionally joins us before returning to the bar for a drink or to the dance floor with a friend or stranger, and we eventually come inside. I finish my drink, I go for a dance with Ben and we decide it's time to go home. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and plan to meet him outside. I see Jake and ask where the bathrooms are. He gives me a disappointed look and points me in the right direction. I thought this would be our goodbye as we disappeared into the crowd.
On my way out, I stepped off the dance floor and towards the bar where I would have a better chance of getting through the crowd when I saw him walk past, intending to continue, I walked on, only to feel someone catch my arm and pull me around, it was Jake, of course,
He asks if I am leaving, and I tell him that I am because I'm sharing a cab with my friend.
Then I notice.. That damn button is undone again.
Try not to barf, if you haven't already from this recount, but I'm trying to stay as accurate as possible. 
I re-do the button one last time, before he threads his arms around me gently. I pull him close as if to say something in his ear, then decide against it. He pulls away questioningly and I just shake my head and pull him close again. He asks me to call him tomorrow, still holding me, and I squeeze him tighter, trying to cement his scent to memory. He hugs me tightly before releasing me. I then looked up at him as we began to step away from each other I pulled him back and kissed him passionately, screaming in my head 'I love you'.
His friends begin cheering at us before we part once more and I quickly make my way outside.

Ben is waiting as I walked straight up to him and hugged him tightly. Unable to speak immediately, he holds me until I release him and we walk towards the taxi rank. He asks If I am okay, to which I replied that I've never been better. And I almost meant it. I had not been so excited, happy or so eager to make memories as I was that night, I wanted to make experiences like these more and just enjoy every second. After 20 years of being an insecure, unhappy person watching life go by, I finally feel as though I have been kick started into the search for happiness and enjoyment in life, whatever form such memories will take, I will seize each one. Carpe Diem.



*Messages sent to Rachel

"-Picture this
-wafting on a breeze...
-the fat butterfly man
-majestically flutters his wings
-awaiting the cool summer breeze
-...'pause for dramatic effect'
-he descends from his lofty heights
-he approaches a life junction...a choice must be made
-ahh the choice,..
-so delicious and tender"

* followed by a picture of the life junction/choice which was a picture of our two drinks, a beer, and a vodka sunrise.

[Names have been changed to protect identity of people and places]