Sometimes Super-Girl's Week 1
To start off this series of personal musings and events, I begin on the 6th dy of October, 2015. This past week I have been very sick with a cold, lost a friend to suicide, and am slowly succumbing to the heavy work load of university assignments. It seems a shame to start on such a sad note, but I feel to really understand my reasons for starting this blog
I want to start with my friend, Troy.
He was a brilliant man, a caring father, and the most supportive and kind person I have ever met. On reflection now, I see a lot of my own qualities in him.
We met in an Arts class at the start of this year where by chance, the four students, including him and myself were put into a group project together as we happened to all be absent on the day of group allocation.
He had some issues and arguments with the other girl in our group, Hannah, whom he once taught at Sunday school.
They were constantly at each other's throats and made it quite awkward for Jonathan and I when it came to holding group meetings. We tried to compromise and held separate meetings with each of them, when Hannah was never available to join us anyway, we made it through. With only a small explosive fight over facebook between Troy and Hannah, and then right before the presentation for a big blow out.
We held a video conference one night which was filled with many laughs and is now a treasured memory for Jonathan and I, as we remember our short time with Troy.
Troy counselled me one day at the university library whilst we worked on an assignement together as my grandfather has been quite sickly for many years now and I must live with him and take care of him. As he discussed the anticipatory grief that I was experiencing, he provided great comfort and let me know that I could always talk to him. He was a selfless person and always had a kind word to say.
We hit an issue when one day I had the feeling that Troy was seeking something beyond friendship, and to understand my reaction, I should mention why acted so. There is a local trolley man, about 45 years old that I would talk to politely when working in a shop at the small shopping centre. He passed multiple times a day and would often hold me up with talk of how many people he had knocked out and how good he was at various things. This man, whom I shall refer to as Ron, had no concept of personal space, or polite conversation. One day over facebook, he began to say some things that made me uncomfortable and he took advantage of my kindness, and as a result I was angry, I cut off communication with him and avoided him at all costs. He would talk to my partner and I in the shopping centre for at least 40 mins about himself and my partner and I always showed polite interest. I felt it a huge disrespect to both myself and my partner that he would attempt to 'crack on' to me in this way. I became easily annoyed at people whom I perceived to have underlying intentions and thus, when dear Troy mentioned the slightest thing that made me uncomfortable, I shut it down and withdrew.
Because of this, I wasn't there for him, and I didn't understand just how long he had been dealing with depression so severely for the last 10 years. We spoke at length of anxiety and depression in the library that day, I confided in my battle with them, as did he, but he spent most of the time listening to me about my grandfather and struggles with my workload; and didn't tell me just how lonely and disconnected he felt. On the outside, he wore a mask with a smile and a cheery disposition, but underneath, he was pained, undergoing family struggles, had difficulty seeing his kids in another city, and was in need of more support than I gave, or even knew that he needed.
I remember that day with a heavy heart, thinking of the things I could have done differently. Had I invited him to celebrate the end of semester, would we have become closer, would I have supported him more, could I have been a better friend. the answer is yes. I blame myself for his death.
People tell me it wasn't my fault, that he made a decision that he thought was the only one. But no matter how much they try to comfort me, I know I could have helped. If not prevented it from happening, I could have give him a friend for a little while longer on this Earth.
I can't un-do what he did, or what I did, but every day I miss him and wish I could have not reacted the way I did to something so stupid. I partly blame this trolley man, I blame myself and, though I'm not a religious person, I pray for him and to him all the time. I send silent prayers for him, to help me come to terms with it, to give strength to his family, his kids and I try to be a friend to more people and look for the signs that someone needs help.
It is important for me to write these things down, to properly deal with the grief and to acknowledge how important this person is to me. Though I only knew him for a short year, he has had the greatest impact on my life and I am a better person for knowing him.
The lesson I take from this terrible tragedy is that we need to appreciate life as much as possible, we need to be kinder to others, and to look out for those in need. I will always try to help people, to recognise the signs and to live my life in a way that Troy did, making people smile and laugh, and lending them an ear or hand when they needed it.
Rest in peace. I miss you, buddy.
He had some issues and arguments with the other girl in our group, Hannah, whom he once taught at Sunday school.
They were constantly at each other's throats and made it quite awkward for Jonathan and I when it came to holding group meetings. We tried to compromise and held separate meetings with each of them, when Hannah was never available to join us anyway, we made it through. With only a small explosive fight over facebook between Troy and Hannah, and then right before the presentation for a big blow out.
We held a video conference one night which was filled with many laughs and is now a treasured memory for Jonathan and I, as we remember our short time with Troy.
Troy counselled me one day at the university library whilst we worked on an assignement together as my grandfather has been quite sickly for many years now and I must live with him and take care of him. As he discussed the anticipatory grief that I was experiencing, he provided great comfort and let me know that I could always talk to him. He was a selfless person and always had a kind word to say.
We hit an issue when one day I had the feeling that Troy was seeking something beyond friendship, and to understand my reaction, I should mention why acted so. There is a local trolley man, about 45 years old that I would talk to politely when working in a shop at the small shopping centre. He passed multiple times a day and would often hold me up with talk of how many people he had knocked out and how good he was at various things. This man, whom I shall refer to as Ron, had no concept of personal space, or polite conversation. One day over facebook, he began to say some things that made me uncomfortable and he took advantage of my kindness, and as a result I was angry, I cut off communication with him and avoided him at all costs. He would talk to my partner and I in the shopping centre for at least 40 mins about himself and my partner and I always showed polite interest. I felt it a huge disrespect to both myself and my partner that he would attempt to 'crack on' to me in this way. I became easily annoyed at people whom I perceived to have underlying intentions and thus, when dear Troy mentioned the slightest thing that made me uncomfortable, I shut it down and withdrew.
Because of this, I wasn't there for him, and I didn't understand just how long he had been dealing with depression so severely for the last 10 years. We spoke at length of anxiety and depression in the library that day, I confided in my battle with them, as did he, but he spent most of the time listening to me about my grandfather and struggles with my workload; and didn't tell me just how lonely and disconnected he felt. On the outside, he wore a mask with a smile and a cheery disposition, but underneath, he was pained, undergoing family struggles, had difficulty seeing his kids in another city, and was in need of more support than I gave, or even knew that he needed.
I remember that day with a heavy heart, thinking of the things I could have done differently. Had I invited him to celebrate the end of semester, would we have become closer, would I have supported him more, could I have been a better friend. the answer is yes. I blame myself for his death.
People tell me it wasn't my fault, that he made a decision that he thought was the only one. But no matter how much they try to comfort me, I know I could have helped. If not prevented it from happening, I could have give him a friend for a little while longer on this Earth.
I can't un-do what he did, or what I did, but every day I miss him and wish I could have not reacted the way I did to something so stupid. I partly blame this trolley man, I blame myself and, though I'm not a religious person, I pray for him and to him all the time. I send silent prayers for him, to help me come to terms with it, to give strength to his family, his kids and I try to be a friend to more people and look for the signs that someone needs help.
It is important for me to write these things down, to properly deal with the grief and to acknowledge how important this person is to me. Though I only knew him for a short year, he has had the greatest impact on my life and I am a better person for knowing him.
The lesson I take from this terrible tragedy is that we need to appreciate life as much as possible, we need to be kinder to others, and to look out for those in need. I will always try to help people, to recognise the signs and to live my life in a way that Troy did, making people smile and laugh, and lending them an ear or hand when they needed it.
Rest in peace. I miss you, buddy.
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